A Question of Competence
by Street Preaching Maniac
Summary: A oneoff story of a red army CO lacking in leadership skills. A surprisingly short story of stupidity, cunning and mutiny.


_Author note:_

_Advance Wars is such a fun game. I have to say it is ideal to play during the loading sequences on Half-Life 2! Damn, my GBA needs a backlight!_

_Inspired by some bizarre tactics on an AW2 versus match on Star Islands._

- - -

The new CO marched up and down the command room of the red base. The room was at the very top of the gargantuan tower, isolated from the factories on a separate island. The CO looked out of the window into the hazy distance at the enemy tower overlooking its own armed production.

"This is the last stand-off; you cannot defeat the red army while I am in charge. I have a superb stratagem already being put into action!"

**A Question of Competence**  
_**An Advance Wars Fic**_

The CO sat back in his large throne-like seat, laughing and rapping his fingers together. He was quickly interrupted by another officer.

"Sir, what exactly is this strategy you have planned? The rest of the officers would greatly appreciate hearing this master plan."

"Very well! And by the way, from here on in you must address your commanding officer as 'My lord'! Understand, Lieutenant?"

"Yes…my lord."

"Actually scratch that. Let's go with 'my liege'! No…wait…stay with 'my lord'! Yes, it has a definite air of superiority about it- -"

"Urm the plan, my lord?"

"Of course! Of course! Well due to the enemy fortress being isolated from its defences I saw this as a key part of my plan. The 'clef de victoire' if you will…"

"The what?"

"Don't interrupt you idiot! Now then where was I? Oh yes the key to victory in this battle is to attack the isolated enemy command tower rather than their production line! So if you will care to look out of the window you will see several landers heading for the enemy tower this very moment!"

The officers made their way to the window. There indeed were the landing craft moving swiftly away from the port.

"Each lander is transporting two battalions of soldiers. I have ordered these landers to ignore all attacks and head straight for the tower, deploying its troops and achieving domination!"

The CO was laughing like a madman at his ingenious plan. The lieutenant ignored the spectacle outside and addressed the CO.

"My lord? Surely the enemy is already anticipating an attack such as this."

"Well yes. NO! No! You see the blue commander lacks the tactical mind of a leader such as myself. That fool is too slow-witted to think of such a brilliant scheme. Why I can bet he is still building the factories to make his army in the first- - -"

"My lord! The landers are under attack!"

"Oh that son of a…!"

The CO rushed to the window alongside the officers. The landing craft were being heavily bombed by enemy aircraft. The boats sank in a frenzy of explosions and screams.

"My lord, there is an incoming transmission from the enemy commander!"

A large monitor switched on revealing Sami laughing.

"_What was that? Is that the best tactic you goons can come up with?"_

The CO turned to the monitor in anger, "I ain't taking stick from some girl! You can't defeat the likes of me!"

"_I'll make you eat those words, you moron."_

Sami cut the transmission.

As the last smoking remnants of the boats disappeared under the waves, the CO turned back.

"Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Only a minor setback! We'll have to think up another strategy. Lieutenant?"

The lieutenant spoke with renewed enthusiasm, "Yes, my lord!"

"I'm going to consult the area maps and construct a new strategy and so I need your help."

"Yes, my lord I'd be glad to help!"

"Good man! ….Now go and get us some coffee while I make a new plan."

The lieutenant suddenly looked morose; he walked slowly out of the command room, head hung low.

The CO ignored the depressed officer and continued examining the maps.

- - -

In the kitchen the lieutenant was muttering under his breath as he gathered up cups and saucers. He cringed as he picked up the CO's cup, emblazoned with the words:

'_World's Best Captain'_.

He opened up a high cupboard while watching the kettle boil. His hand skimmed over a line of labelled jars.

_Salt, Sugar, Pepper, Chilli Powder, Laxative, Cyanide…_

His hand stopped at the cyanide bottle. He lifted it down without looking and took the lid off. It was then he spotted the huge danger of death label on the bottle.

"That's funny, it's like my hand subconsciously picked the deadliest one."

He spent a great deal of time deliberating over spiking the CO's drink. If he killed the captain he could face a court marshal and most likely execution. But…if he killed him then they would have the intelligence in command to win the war!

He looked at the bottle, still unsure what to do when a voice bellowed from a distance.

"_Damn it Lieutenant! Where's my coffee! How do you expect my brain to formulate a brilliant scheme without coffee?"_

The lieutenant then thought better of it. He reached into the cupboard and took out a different bottle. He read the label,

_Sleeping Powder  
-Incapacity guaranteed-_

He grinned while pouring the powder into the CO's cup.

- - -

When he returned to the command room, the CO and the officers were sat at a table with various maps and diagrams strewn over the surface. The lieutenant couldn't help but notice the papers in front of the CO, covered with immature doodles.

The lieutenant left the coffee tray in the centre of the table, making sure to hand the correct cup to the CO.

As though to resume where they left off, one of the officers spoke, "But my lord, your plan is dangerously suicidal! We could lose hundreds of men."

"But that's the whole point! Rather than try and capture the enemy fortress, we'll simply send in wave after wave of fighter jets into the tower, ANNIHILATING everyone inside!"

Another officer protested, "My lord, you cannot carry out this plan! We are not savage murderers! Are you really willing to send hundreds of people to- -"

The CO pressed a button under his desk. A trap door opened under the protesting officer and he subsequently vanished. After a few seconds a loud splash was heard.

"_What is this, water? How am I supposed to…wait. This is petrol! What are you trying to- -"_

_-chik-_

The trap door closed, blocking out the screams of the officer. The CO leant back and drank the spiked coffee.

"Now then. I'll let you give the orders to the pilots who will attempt this mission. Are there any…quest…"

The CO collapsed back in his chair, fast asleep. The officers stared in utter confusion at what had just happened.

An officer next to the lieutenant questioned him, "Did you drug him or something?"

The lieutenant answered quietly, "…Yes."

"Hey nice job! Someone tie up the cretin before he wakes up!"

- - -

"I think we should still try the conquest of the enemy tower though. Rather than a bunch of poorly defended boats, we send in a transport helicopter carrying troops and defend that with a couple of attack helicopters. If the helicopters come under attack by surface-to-air missiles then the battleships are already in place to deal with them."

For once the table of officers were in agreement over a battle strategy. The lieutenant was in high spirits, glad to be working alongside competent individuals.

"Well obviously I was getting to that before I was mutinied!"

The CO was tied up to his chair still at the table, infuriated at the commanders.

"I thought we'd got rid of him!"

The adjacent officer kicked the former CO's chair sending him rolling down the stairs of the tower. The ranting of the CO was echoing up the stairway as he tumbled away.

"_Mutiny! That's what this is! You'll pay! Mutinous dogs the lot of ye! I'll see you all in hell……!"_


End file.
